I apologize it’s been a little while since I last posted. Wait, no, I don’t. Because this is my dang blog and I’ll post when I want. But, still, I’m sorry.
You see, I get into a funk sometimes. I guess you can blame it on a past of depression, insecurity and loneliness. I go through these ups and downs, of being really social, lively, and happy, then to being kind of reclusive, self-pitying, and depressed. I can’t help it so much as I can just pinpoint when it’s happening and not let myself spin out of control.
My low month is usually February. Don’t get me wrong. I’m plenty depressed during other months, too, but February always seems to get me. I’m not too sure why. Well. That’s a lie. I am sure why. I just don’t like my brain’s rationale of why. See, February contains my mom’s birthday, my birthday, Valentine’s Day, and sometimes Chinese New Year (based on the Lunar calendar). I guess it has most to do with my birthday and Valentine’s Day. I usually get myself into this funk weeks before my birthday, in anticipation of being severely let down. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a kick ass time and I guess I always feel kind of let down because I’ve never had a friend, like, try to plan me a party, or some stupid shit like that. I know, I know. That sounds amazingly immature and irrational. I get it. It’s just that…maybe you can blame it on my Pisces sign or my INFJ personality, but I go above and beyond for a lot of my friends and I constantly get sad when the same doesn’t happen for me. It goes back to something deeper. It goes back to my biological dad and being let down by him all the time. Luckily for me, my understandings of psychology and emotional disturbance allow me to understand that my depression and sadness don’t always have much to do with what is actually going on in the moment, but what happened to me years and years ago.
I know, for instance, I seek approval subconsciously from people because as a kid, my dad constantly voiced his disproval with me and his distaste of me. He always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t skinny enough, and that has been something that has carried into my adulthood. Like I said, I’m just glad that I can pinpoint these things. When I was younger, like 15-18/19, I would go into these deep depressive states of contemplating suicide, sleeping for hours and hours for no reason, eating until I threw up, and my parents (mom and stepdad) would be so frustrated with why I was doing this, not understanding and not getting a straight answer from me. The thing is, at that time, I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know that my dad was still haunting me, that his treatment of me, his emotional and verbal abuse of me still lingered. Words didn’t kill me, but they sure held me down.
That’s probably why I go above and beyond to please my friends. Because I fear their disproval. And that’s also probably why I go into an antisocial funk. Because it protects me from being let down. I’ve “detached” myself from them before they have the chance to let me down. Ugh. I’m kinda disgusted with myself as I type this. But it’s the truth and I’m sharing it with you, the anonymous reader.
Having worked with young people with issues like depression and other emotional and mental “problems,” I know that you don’t just cure this. I can’t just wake up one day and say, “Okay! It’s gone! I’m all better now!” This is something I’m going to have to always manage, always going to have to find ways cope with it. Some days I’m better at it than others. That’s just how it is. I have this internal battle going on inside of me and I want one side to win, but the other side just seems to feed off of that and get all competitive and shit! Haha.
So, that’s what’s going on with me. The last few months (and especially this month), I’ve been dealing with my lil buddy Depression. I’m trying to get her under control. I’m trying my best. It’s sometimes week by week, sometimes day by day, sometimes hour by hour. BUT! My depression says nothing about my character, my strength, my beauty, my spirit. That’s something I need y’all to know. Something I need to constantly remind myself. My depression is a part of me, but does not define me, does not override my humanity.