Anxiety

I’ve had this recurring dream for the last year. It came back last night/this morning to haunt me yet again.

This dream involves me going to school, and coming to the realization that I have a math class and a French art history class on my schedule that I rarely attend. I think that I’ve dropped the math class, and I consistently forget about the art history class. I show up occasionally when I remember that I HAVE to because I haven’t dropped them due to the past deadline.

My dream (or nightmare) always involves me showing up to one or both of these classes on a test day, that I of course, was not aware of. I’m stuck, the teacher looks at me, expecting me to run out and almost has a look of satisfaction on their face.

Last night, I dreamt that it was finals week, and I walked into the French art history course not realizing I had to take a final. My brother was there too. I sat next to some friends, and attempted to copy off their tests. I was in a panic. I only knew maybe 3 of 50 questions’ answers. I had no idea what to do with myself. I look over at my brother who is in the course, and he’s breezing by the exam. Our mom suddenly walks in and sits back, watching us take this final. My brother passes in his test and has it graded on the spot. He gets an 82%, an overall 90% in the class. I hesitate passing in my test, but because there’s nothing more I can answer, I give it to the professor. I go over to my mom, tell her I may not pass the course. The professor walks back to me and tells me, I got an 80% on the midterm, an 88% on the presentation, but a 40% on the final….I have a D in the course. I need to come back Saturday to take it if I want a shot at passing. Of course.

Why do I keep having  these dreams? I have my B.A. already. Is it my fear that I won’t get into grad school? A fear that my brother will always be more successful than me? A sign that I didn’t do my best in undergrad? Ugh.

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